Demographic Crisis Help Line

(Photo courtesy of Gallery of Beltway Schmoozers and Useless Tits)

Robert Engleman
Know-it-all
World Watch Institute
Washington, CP (City of Players)

Are you vexed by human population overshoot? Is 7 billion too much for you? Well you have come to the wrong place. If you want to find help to reduce our population from 7 billion, forget it, because we have already resigned ourselves to 9 billion. But if you want to settle for Plan B, then call our Help Line.

Call 1-800-LESTERBROWN

Voice mail recording:

“Hello, welcome to the World Watch Institute Help Line. All of our representatives are currently busy boring people on the Washington cocktail circuit with bland and ineffectual palliatives to overshoot so that the problems they are hired to solve remain unsolved. Please stay on the line because although your call is not important to us, your donation sure as hell is. We accept Money Orders, Visa or Mastercard and but not any criticisms of our underlying assumptions. However, criticisms of the Chinese One-Child-Per-Family Law which each year has saved humanity from an extra 1.8 billion tonnes of greenhouse gas emissions are welcome.We are insistent that all human rights must be respected except the right of our species to survive this century if survival means violating our current cultural and ethical guidelines. Things are bad, but not that bad. Just because we have increased our population by nearly 250% in the last half century is no reason to believe that emergency measures are required to deal with our emergency. It's incrementalism or bust baby.

To receive our automated reply to all of your inquiries press 1 followed by the number sign....... You have dialed "1", The World Watch Institute Help Line For Those Looking For Politically Correct and Inadequate Answers To Human Overpopulation Whose Solution Can Only Be A By-Product Of A Social Justice Agenda as approved by a panel of Hartmanite Feminists, Eco-Socialists And Monbiotists Who Couldn't Care Less How Many People There Are.....

Hello, I'm Bob Engleman and welcome to the World Watch Institute’s Demography-For-Dummies-In-A-Nutshell line.

Here it is stupid----- all we want you to know. The Conventional Cant which if repeated often enough will convince polite company that nothing you think is dangerous---to them or their funding sources. Are you ready? Now repeat after me:

Educate women, educate women, educate women.......

Voluntary family planning, voluntary family planning, voluntary family planning........

Women everywhere want only two children, women everywhere want only two children, women everywhere will want only two children....

Stopping at two will do, stopping at two will do, stopping at two will do..........

Chinese methods are stupid and unnecessary, Chinese methods are stupid and unnecessary, Chinese methods are stupid and unnecessary........

If Kerala, Thailand and Bangledesh can do it, so can everyone else, if Kerala, Thailand and Bangledesh can do it, so can everyone else, if Kerala, Thailand and Bangledesh can do it, so can everyone else.........

The Demographic Theory of Transition is a fact, The Demographic Theory of Transition is a fact, The Demographic Theory of Transition is a fact............

Prosperity is the best contraceptive, prosperity is the best contraceptive, prosperity is the best contraceptive......

Sustainable development is not an oxymoron, sustainable development is not an oxymoron, sustainable development is not an oxymoron......

We must find a way to feed 9 billion, We must find a way to feed 9 billion, We must find a way to feed 9 billion......

The birth rate is dropping, The birth rate is dropping, The birth rate is dropping.....

Forget demographic momentum, forget demographic momentum, forget demographic momentum......

2 billion is sustainable, 2 billion is sustainable, 2 billion is sustainable.......And we can take our sweet time in getting there.......And we can take our sweet time in getting there....And we can take our sweet time in getting there......

Don't criticize Green Icons, they are on our side and above reproach......Don't criticize Green Icons, they are on our side and above reproach.....Don't Criticize Green Icons, they are on our side and above reproach........Spare your criticisms for the enemy......Spare your criticisms for the enemy.......Spare your criticisms for the enemy...

For further information, contact our foundation grant-makers who will supply you with all the politically correct solutions that we advocate to satisfy their stipulations.

PS If your concerns relate to climate change, please be advised that Bill McKibben can no longer be reached at 1-800-350.ORG . His new number is now 1-800-400.ORG because that was the only politically realistic number that he could negotiate at the present time. Note, he will not talk about over-population because it is irrelevant---all we need to do is find a way to "de-carbonize" an economy of 9-15 billion people. Appeals can be made to the Rockefeller Brothers Fund at 1-800-1SKY350.ORG

If you find the forgoing offensive and unfair, then please phone in your complaint to:

Tim Murray
1-800-GETSERIOUS

Hello, you have reached the 1-800--GETSERIOUS line. BTW, WTF are you playing at? This is not a drill. Repeat. This is not a drill. We are facing the end of our civilization and/or human extinction---get it? The politically possible is not the ecologically necessary. So make the necessary possible---- or get off the stage. Are you in it for the game---or the result? Then go with the science and let the political chips fall where they may. EFA doesn't tell half the story. It is not about renewables, it is about NON-renewables. Forget for a moment about bio-capacity and start thinking about carrying capacity, the precarious carrying capacity of a global industrial civilization enabled by a diminishing supply of fossil fuels, metals and minerals. Start thinking about how we shrink the population fast enough so that the per capita share of this shrinking resource base does not become so low as to trigger civil massive unrest and global conflict. Can't be done? Fine. Then stop shopping your green delusions and half-measures, shut up and let logic and hard numbers do the talking.